speeddadiva

Almost as fast as someone learns that I run speed dating events, depending upon whether they’re familiar with the concept of speed dating or not, their response is either “what’s speed dating?” and / or “but you can’t really get to know someone in 7 minutes – can you?”

Recently, at the hairdresser, I picked up last November’s issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. I admit that it’s not a magazine I usually read. But I was drawn in by some very compelling copy about “ah hah!” moments of various celebrated and successful people in many fields. Wedged into the issue was a wee bit and a gem of an article by Helen Fisher, PhD entitled The First Three Minutes – How fast can you really size up a partner?

Fisher’s theory is that one’s ability to “instantly size up a potential partner” comes from millions of years of evolution. Even though in today’s society, the function of mates has evolved from the role of protector and provider in the most extreme, we still retain that instinct to instantly evaluate someone as a potential mate.

Think about how quickly you zero in on specific characteristics about someone even before you’ve spoken. You pick up on all sorts of things about their physical features, age, grooming, clothing, jewelry, etc. Then once they speak, you wire in on how well educated they are, how intelligent they are, their sense of humor, where they’re from, their probable economic strata, etc. For most of us, our instinct is usually to find someone with a similar background and values to our own.

By now, most you are thinking that this is not exactly a big revelation – especially if you have ever been to a speed dating event. But what Dr. Fisher shares that is relevant, is that when research was done asking people in long-term relationships, only 11 percent of them felt it was “love at first sight.” There is hope though for the other 89 percent of us. She reports that “Psychologists say that the more you interact with a person you like (even slightly), the more you come to regard him as good-looking, smart, and similar to you – unless you discover something that breaks the spell.”

She advises, “So it’s wise to hang in there for a second meeting. It can take years sometimes for two people to fully appreciate each other.”

To bring that thought full circle to the speed dating experience, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to be open to the idea of a second meeting. Most people are somewhat anxious about first meetings anyway. But when you add a tight time constraint to the meeting like there is in speed dating, anxieties can really build. So when you’re considering whether that person you’ve just met is someone you’d like to meet again (a “match” in speed dating terms), rely upon your instincts about them because as Dr. Fisher tells it “… whether it’s love at first sight or love in hindsight, those first three minutes are essential for romance.”

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How well is your radar tuned and ready to detect people possibilities?

We’ve all met them. They’re usually female – though not always. Often they’re already happily married themselves. They’re the people out there who naturally wire into people possibilities. You know the ones. As soon as they meet someone single, their brains begin to work overtime on the task of pairing them. They have a radar of sorts.

For many of us who’ve been single for very long, our radar doesn’t always function at the level we need it to – otherwise, we’d already be married or otherwise committed. I must admit that most days I am clueless to opportunities that married women I’m with quickly pick up on and point out to me.

All of this was brought back home to me when I read the book I mentioned in my last post Why Mr Right Can’t Find You By J. M. Kearns. He mentions specific examples of opportunities missed by singles. And it got me thinking. I’m always been fascinated by the stories of how couples met. I almost always ask any married gal I meet how she and her husband met. And, the one thing I’ve learned is that there is no one consistent answer.

That is why it’s so important to drive home the message that there is no one right way, right time or right place to meet that Mr. or Ms. Right. Hopefully, we’ve all gotten beyond fretting whether people will think less of us if we meet that right person through a dating service, matchmaker, online introductions or at a speed dating event. These methods are no less valid than traditional ways that people met like in school, through friends or family, church, work, etc. Once you accept this, the next step is to try to increase your awareness of your surroundings and the people possibilities in them. Think for a moment. How aware are you of the people in your everyday routines like commuting, lunching, shopping, refueling your vehicle, etc?

I used to hound girlfriends about going out to socialize. “You can’t expect Prince Charming to ride right up to and knock on your door!” I’d scold them. Well, that was until one day, when I was forced to eat my words. Imagine my surprise when I opened my door to let in the carpenter my landlord had sent over. Who knew Prince Charming did carpentry?

Yes, I still believe that it’s a numbers game and that if you throw enough against the wall, eventually something will stick. But now I’ve revised my theory about how important it is not to overlook what might be sitting right under you nose. Sometimes that very routine and the familiarity it breeds can work for you every bit as much as something more exotic.

What are you doing to help Mr or Ms Right find you?

Being in this business, I naturally gravitate to media and books about bringing singles together.  But as a woman, I admit a natural bias in favor of those penned by men because they represent a different perspective. A case in point is Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You – the surprising answers that will change your life – and his by J. M. Kearns, Ph. D., published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd.  So many self help books written by women in this category perpetuate the blame game. Either they engage in male bashing or suggest that there is something wrong in the female that requires her thorough makeover from the inside out. Both positions seem awfully extreme.

Interestingly, Dr. Kearns is not a psychologist but a philosopher. And, lest you begin to think that the book must read like a doctoral thesis, let me assure you that his writing style is direct, casual and personable. His thoughts on relationships and what it takes for two people to get together in our society are some of the most realistic and his advice some of the most practical I’ve come across. Whatever you do, do not skip over the introduction or you’ll miss your opportunity to immediately adjust your headset in a powerful and positive way.

Two of Kearns’ premises instantly endeared this book to me and they both appear right in his Intro. First, you are not alone in your quest because both you and your Mr. (or Ms, for my male readers) Right are out there looking for each other. They’re looking for you just the way you are. You don’t need to remake yourself and become someone else in order to make that happen. But, one must become proactive and be open to the fact that there is no one right way, right time or right place to meet that Mr. or Ms Right. Once you buy into these concepts anything is possible.

Isn’t it a refreshing change to think that someone will love you just the way you are? There’s a reason why there are so many different people with so many different sizes, shapes and styles out there. In people, just as in clothing; one size does not fit all.

It’s important to remember that not everyone is right for everybody. If you’re a serious people watcher, like I am, you already know that. Just look at some of the couples out there. More and more research supports that while men may say their ideal woman is in the image of glamorous Hollywood types, the reality is that beauty is not the determinant you’d think it is. We all know some absolutely gorgeous people, male and female, who are often not booked on date night.

Some time ago a group of gals contacted me about attending a particular A Match Made in 7 speed dating event en mass like a girls night out. I was quick to discourage them suggesting that just a couple consider coming instead and encouraged the others to select other upcoming dates. I had several reasons for this. Frankly, if they needed that much moral support, I had some doubt about their maturity. And, I questioned the level of their sincerity.

I explained to the group’s spokesperson that while speed dating is entertainment and meant to be fun, it is not intended to be fun at someone else’s expense (i.e. the gentlemen) – which was possible with such a large group dominating the event. Then, I turned the tables around and asked her how might she feel, if she made a great connection at the speed dating event but her friends didn’t. (She made matches but they did not.) Might their failure turn to envy and cattiness prevail such that they might pressure her to question something that was right for her?

As Kearns reminds us throughout the book, someone just needs to be right for you. And it only takes just one somebody.

Kearns has organized the book into three sections. Part one focuses on the search. Part two focuses on what makes two people compatible. Part three explores the world of online dating. He covers a number of online dating sites and explains their approaches, merits and shortcomings. It’s no secret how I personally feel about the latter. However, I was a bit surprised at Kearns’ tone in this section given that is how he met the lady in his life. Maybe this explains the subject matter of his most recent book, Better Luck Next time: How the relationship that didn’t last can lead you to the one that will. One has to wonder.

Single ladies, the way to a man’s heart may be easier than you think. You won’t even have to do the cooking. Just eat where men eat.

And, all you single men eating out, pay attention, please!

It’s no secret that if you want to meet people, you need to show up on their radar. That means going to the places that they frequent. It’s no accident that my Inning Dates seasonal speed dating events take place in a baseball park – a professional sports arena and bastion of the healthy American male.

We’ve all heard that old saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. (And what man doesn’t appreciate a good feed?) But until now this route meant cooking for your man. That presents two daunting challenges. This means that one must first find a man. Then, once found, one must have adequate cooking skills to pull it off.

But maybe, there’s an easier way. My area metro paper today reported that a local landmark eatery, a humble hot dog house, was listed by none other than Esquire Magazine as being among 27 places nationally where men eat. If you can still get your hands on the April issue, it’d certainly be worth a look. Armed with that knowledge it seems simple enough to pay a visit to any of the eateries near you. And, if none is nearby, with the info provided, think about your own community and profile possible places where you might test my theory. Place yourself in a place where men go to eat.

Though I am a true believer that you must be in the right place to meet a Mr. Right, I will admit that the last time I visited that particular eatery in the Esquire article, I don’t think I saw a single male. But in all fairness to them, it was a freezing cold Sunday afternoon when a New England Patriots playoff game was about to start and the place was devoid of TV’s. After taking in an exhibit at the local art museum, my niece and I rushed in to get chili dogs to go for our extended family to have when we got home to watch the game as well. So, the other caveat I would add is to try to aim for a “right” time – at least when there’s likely to be a good crowd.  PS. No, there weren’t many men at the art museum that day either.

Speaking of crowds, it’s also important to learn to work a line. College communities, in particular, tend to have popular local food hot spots that are usually small, and by virtue of this, on weekends tend to have lines. When I lived near New Haven, for example, several legendary pizza parlors always had lines no matter what the weather and could always be relied upon to provide a social experience that pretty nearly matched the culinary one.

Trust me, this works better with restaurants than nightclub lines – probably because the wannabe patrons are less likely to be tanked..

One last thought for today– one of the great things about venturing into these establishments is that most men are only too willing to give you the benefit of their opinion, experience and knowledge. Here’s an opportunity for you to easily let them. In fact, ask them for their menu suggestion. And, if you follow it, you’ll create a perfect  opportunity for you to follow up with them afterward – perhaps, over dessert or drinks.