speeddadiva

What are you doing to help Mr or Ms Right find you?

Being in this business, I naturally gravitate to media and books about bringing singles together.  But as a woman, I admit a natural bias in favor of those penned by men because they represent a different perspective. A case in point is Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You – the surprising answers that will change your life – and his by J. M. Kearns, Ph. D., published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd.  So many self help books written by women in this category perpetuate the blame game. Either they engage in male bashing or suggest that there is something wrong in the female that requires her thorough makeover from the inside out. Both positions seem awfully extreme.

Interestingly, Dr. Kearns is not a psychologist but a philosopher. And, lest you begin to think that the book must read like a doctoral thesis, let me assure you that his writing style is direct, casual and personable. His thoughts on relationships and what it takes for two people to get together in our society are some of the most realistic and his advice some of the most practical I’ve come across. Whatever you do, do not skip over the introduction or you’ll miss your opportunity to immediately adjust your headset in a powerful and positive way.

Two of Kearns’ premises instantly endeared this book to me and they both appear right in his Intro. First, you are not alone in your quest because both you and your Mr. (or Ms, for my male readers) Right are out there looking for each other. They’re looking for you just the way you are. You don’t need to remake yourself and become someone else in order to make that happen. But, one must become proactive and be open to the fact that there is no one right way, right time or right place to meet that Mr. or Ms Right. Once you buy into these concepts anything is possible.

Isn’t it a refreshing change to think that someone will love you just the way you are? There’s a reason why there are so many different people with so many different sizes, shapes and styles out there. In people, just as in clothing; one size does not fit all.

It’s important to remember that not everyone is right for everybody. If you’re a serious people watcher, like I am, you already know that. Just look at some of the couples out there. More and more research supports that while men may say their ideal woman is in the image of glamorous Hollywood types, the reality is that beauty is not the determinant you’d think it is. We all know some absolutely gorgeous people, male and female, who are often not booked on date night.

Some time ago a group of gals contacted me about attending a particular A Match Made in 7 speed dating event en mass like a girls night out. I was quick to discourage them suggesting that just a couple consider coming instead and encouraged the others to select other upcoming dates. I had several reasons for this. Frankly, if they needed that much moral support, I had some doubt about their maturity. And, I questioned the level of their sincerity.

I explained to the group’s spokesperson that while speed dating is entertainment and meant to be fun, it is not intended to be fun at someone else’s expense (i.e. the gentlemen) – which was possible with such a large group dominating the event. Then, I turned the tables around and asked her how might she feel, if she made a great connection at the speed dating event but her friends didn’t. (She made matches but they did not.) Might their failure turn to envy and cattiness prevail such that they might pressure her to question something that was right for her?

As Kearns reminds us throughout the book, someone just needs to be right for you. And it only takes just one somebody.

Kearns has organized the book into three sections. Part one focuses on the search. Part two focuses on what makes two people compatible. Part three explores the world of online dating. He covers a number of online dating sites and explains their approaches, merits and shortcomings. It’s no secret how I personally feel about the latter. However, I was a bit surprised at Kearns’ tone in this section given that is how he met the lady in his life. Maybe this explains the subject matter of his most recent book, Better Luck Next time: How the relationship that didn’t last can lead you to the one that will. One has to wonder.