speeddadiva

Almost as fast as someone learns that I run speed dating events, depending upon whether they’re familiar with the concept of speed dating or not, their response is either “what’s speed dating?” and / or “but you can’t really get to know someone in 7 minutes – can you?”

Recently, at the hairdresser, I picked up last November’s issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. I admit that it’s not a magazine I usually read. But I was drawn in by some very compelling copy about “ah hah!” moments of various celebrated and successful people in many fields. Wedged into the issue was a wee bit and a gem of an article by Helen Fisher, PhD entitled The First Three Minutes – How fast can you really size up a partner?

Fisher’s theory is that one’s ability to “instantly size up a potential partner” comes from millions of years of evolution. Even though in today’s society, the function of mates has evolved from the role of protector and provider in the most extreme, we still retain that instinct to instantly evaluate someone as a potential mate.

Think about how quickly you zero in on specific characteristics about someone even before you’ve spoken. You pick up on all sorts of things about their physical features, age, grooming, clothing, jewelry, etc. Then once they speak, you wire in on how well educated they are, how intelligent they are, their sense of humor, where they’re from, their probable economic strata, etc. For most of us, our instinct is usually to find someone with a similar background and values to our own.

By now, most you are thinking that this is not exactly a big revelation – especially if you have ever been to a speed dating event. But what Dr. Fisher shares that is relevant, is that when research was done asking people in long-term relationships, only 11 percent of them felt it was “love at first sight.” There is hope though for the other 89 percent of us. She reports that “Psychologists say that the more you interact with a person you like (even slightly), the more you come to regard him as good-looking, smart, and similar to you – unless you discover something that breaks the spell.”

She advises, “So it’s wise to hang in there for a second meeting. It can take years sometimes for two people to fully appreciate each other.”

To bring that thought full circle to the speed dating experience, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to be open to the idea of a second meeting. Most people are somewhat anxious about first meetings anyway. But when you add a tight time constraint to the meeting like there is in speed dating, anxieties can really build. So when you’re considering whether that person you’ve just met is someone you’d like to meet again (a “match” in speed dating terms), rely upon your instincts about them because as Dr. Fisher tells it “… whether it’s love at first sight or love in hindsight, those first three minutes are essential for romance.”